Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described stages of grief: shock; denial; depression; anger; bargaining and acceptance. In reality, grief can take many forms. It is very individual — no two people experience it in the same way. It certainly does not follow an orderly path; experiences may occur in any order — some not at all. It is important to recognize that these stages are all normal. Problems occur when we are not permitted to experience them as we need to.
Pet Loss Support Groups
Are you coping with the loss of a pet? Saying goodbye is never easy. Many people suffer when they lose a pet and find it hard to move forward alone in the grieving process. The Ottawa Humane Society offers on-going grief support to the community through Pet Loss Support Groups.
Group meetings are held virtually, and participants must be over the age of 16.
All pet loss support groups are facilitated by experienced volunteer facilitators. Participants engage in discussion and share stories. Facilitators work alongside participants to provide compassionate support for anyone dealing with the loss of a pet.
This program is designed to provide a compassionate space for individuals grieving the loss of their pet. OHS Pet Loss Support Group facilitators cannot provide one-one-one counselling or mental health support. Individuals who are experiencing ongoing mental health distress requiring treatment (for example, complicated grief, unresolved multiple losses, and/or traumas) are encouraged to reach out to mental health professionals directly to seek individual help. Please see the below list for community mental health resources.
For more information about Group expectations, please look at our Group Guidelines.
You must register for this virtual meeting to ensure that you receive the Zoom link in advance of the session.
For more information, email outreach@ottawahumane.ca or call 613-725-3166, ext. 235.
This program is available to the public free of charge, donations to the OHS are welcome.
Grieving the Death of a Pet
You have lost something dear to you, and you are feeling pain. What you are likely feeling is grief. Grief is the normal reaction to a significant loss or losses. Grief does not only occur with an animal’s death — if you have had to give your pet up, for whatever reason, you may also experience grief.
Why Don't People Understand How I Feel?
The loss of a pet may be in some ways more difficult to face than a human loss because those around you may not be able to understand the pain you feel. They may believe that you have “just” lost a dog, cat or rabbit, minimizing your feelings. A companion animal is loved and usually considered a part of the family. Your pain is every bit as real as that felt by someone who has lost a friend or family member.
You may experience grief more acutely if you have had to make a painful decision about euthanasia or if your pet’s death was unexpected or violent. Your grief may be linked to feelings of guilt if you feel that you could have avoided your pet’s death.
Grief can manifest itself physically — you may experience shortness of breath, irritability, fatigue, stomach problems or a host of other symptoms. These are generally normal, but if they persist, you should consult a physician to ensure that there is no other underlying problem.
Grief often results in behavioural changes. You may feel restless, absentminded or have difficulty concentrating. This is normal. You may become preoccupied by thoughts of your pet, dream or even hallucinate. These too are common grief responses.
Many of the suggestions below can be applied to children to the extent that their age and development allows.
- First, find out what makes you feel better and do it.
If it makes you feel better to walk along the routes you took your dog every day — then do it. If leaving your cat’s toys out helps you — then do it. Don’t give in to pressure for others to “get over it” or “move on.” Take the time to do the things you need to do. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone else, what does it matter if you do these things? - Take care of yourself.
It may be difficult at first, but try to get enough sleep, eat well and exercise as you normally would. Socialize when you feel ready. Grief often manifests as illness. Illness will only make matters worse, so maintaining your health is an important step to take to address your grief. - Seek out people who understand and support how you feel.
Being around people who minimize your feelings is just going to make you feel worse. Many people may never understand how you are feeling about the loss of your pet, even if you try to help them understand. If there is no one close to you, there may be community groups or websites and chat rooms on the internet where people experiencing the same feelings gather. - Don't give in to the timetables of others.
If it takes you longer than they expect to feel better — they will have to deal with that. You may wish to make it clear that you do not want anyone to show up with a new puppy or cat that looks “just like yours.” This decision needs to rest with you and you should consider it carefully. Many people find that a new pet too soon can be more rather than less painful. - Observe ritual.
Rituals such as funerals and memorials are basic ways that humans cope with grief. There are few formal rituals for the loss of a pet in our culture, so you may have to create your own. Something as simple as having a picture framed or visiting your pet’s favourite outdoor spots may suffice. Consider planting a tree or creating a scrapbook. If others don’t want to participate, then do it yourself. Some people have found that putting their feelings into action helps them in their grief. Writing in support of animal cruelty legislation or helping out animals in need in honour of your pet can be a comfort.
Additional Resources
Explaining Pet Death to Children
By Sarah Probst, Information Specialist
“For many children, pet death is the first time they will experience grief over death. Handling a pet’s death in a positive way empowers children to handle grief in the future,” explains Julia Brannan, veterinary student and student director of the Companion Animal Related Emotions (C.A.R.E.) Helpline at the University of Illinois College of Veterinary Medicine. “Being honest with children is the most important factor.”
Terminology is crucial when talking to children about death. When explaining pet loss, use the words “death,” “dead,” “dying” instead of euphemisms. “These are all concrete words that children can wrap their brains around.” Be clear because children’s minds may extrapolate harmful connotations from sugar-coated explanations.
For example, a common euphemism for euthanasia is ‘put to sleep.’ Brannan cautions, “Children may begin to think that being ‘put to sleep’ at night can be an irreversible process.” Brannan warns against telling children that your pet ran away or that you gave it to a friend. “That gives children a different kind of grief. They wonder why their best friend would abandon them or why their parents would want to separate them from a creature that meant so much to them,” says Brannan. Instead, if you have made the decision to euthanize, she suggests saying the following: “Because we love Fluffy so much we do not want her to suffer. We are helping her to die because she is experiencing pain that we can no longer treat.”
Talk about the death of a pet before the death occurs. Brannan suggests inviting your child to take part in the decision-making process. “Not including children in the process makes them feel completely powerless about what is going on with their pet.” When deciding whether to facilitate the death of a terminally ill pet, talk honestly about options.
“Reading books about grief and pet loss to children opens the door for parents and children to talk about the possibility of losing their pet.” Brannan’s favourite children’s books about pet loss and grief are the following: The Tenth Good Thing about Barney by J. Viorst; Talking About Death: A Dialogue Between Parents and Children by E. Grollman; About Dying: An Open Family Book for Parents and Children Together by S.B. Stein. Your local library or book store may have suggestions also.
If the decision is made to euthanize a pet, veterinarians can explain the medical aspects of death: how euthanasia is done, and how the pet will look in death – that eyes do not close, that the body may be warm for a few hours, and that the body will become stiff later. Veterinarians also can explain why a pet did not make it through a traumatic accident. In addition to medical questions, veterinarians can help parents deal with the child’s questions and grief. “Grief issues do not just happen in the clinic; they happen after the child leaves – months or sometimes years later,” adds Brannan.
Parents often wonder if a child should be allowed to be with the pet during death and see the body after the pet is dead. Brannan suggests asking children what they want to do. If the parent or child does not feel the need to be present during the euthanasia, then an alternative is to go back into the room after the euthanasia procedure and say goodbye. Seeing that the pet is actually dead often helps give children and parents a sense of closure.
During the grieving process, family members at various age levels will react differently. Children under two can sense stress in the house even though they do not know the cause. Brannan suggests comforting them and paying extra attention to them during the grieving period. “Children two to five typically believe they are invincible,” explains Brannan. Death is a reversible feat that cartoons like the roadrunner and coyote enact. Although they may not understand that their pet is dead, explaining death concretely now will help them understand it better later.
Eight-year-olds might understand that death is irreversible; however, in their minds, the universe revolves around them. “So if they think bad thoughts like, ‘I don’t want to walk Fluffy today. I wish she would just die’ and then a couple months later, Fluffy does die; a child this age might believe that their bad thoughts caused the death of the pet,” says Brannan.
Children may react in ways that adults wouldn’t. They may draw pictures of their pet underground, bury dolls, or ask shocking questions about what is happening to their pet’s body underground. All of these responses are normal and healthy.
Showing your own grief in front of your child is healthy as well. Hiding grief might make children wonder why you don’t miss the presence of the pet in the house. This could lead to them wondering if you would be sad if they died. Grieving and crying in front of a child validates to the child that these emotions are OK to express.
Families can be creative about memorializing their pet. Plant a tree. Put an engraved stone in your cat’s favourite spot in the house. Write a letter to your dog. Encourage children to draw pictures. Each family member should be encouraged to memorialize their pet’s death in a way meaningful to them.
If you or a member of your family is having trouble dealing with the loss of a pet, call (217) 244-CARE for hours of operation. The C.A.R.E. Helpline was developed to provide a supportive outlet for people experiencing disruption in or the loss of the bond they share with their cherished companion animal. The hotline is staffed by veterinary students who understand the importance of this bond and the emotions involved when that bond is threatened or broken. The students have received training by professional grief counselors and receive ongoing supervision by a licensed psychologist.